Dawn Chorus 4 - Life, The Universe and Everything

Act One
Scene 4

A pale and watery Autumn sun begins its daily flight across the cold silvery rooftops of Lordship Lane. It’s 6.57am, and the recently adjusted central heating system of an exceptionally well presented Victorian semi, situated conveniently close to local amenities, begins gently to warm the four sleepy occupants therein – two of which lay extremely inactive underneath a large and extremely inviting continental duvet.

An unwelcome and yet not entirely unexpected interruption to the morning solitude begins to emerge from a room at the back of the house occupied by a member of the household yet to surpass the 4 foot marker on his bedroom wall. The young man, clearly wrestling with the meaning of life once again, appears to gather his thoughts, sidle into the master bedroom and follow the familiar path round to the side of the bed occupied by his industrious and adoring father.

Harry: Daddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy........?
Daddy: (from underneath the continental duvet) mmmmmm...wwwwhhhhh . . ..... .........zzzzzzzzzz
Harry: Daddy!
Daddy: Whhhh........What.....Harry? What time is it......?
Harry: (sighs) Daddy, I know what happened to the spider when I killed it.
Daddy: (emerging from under the duvet) Harry, this is not the time....please..?
Harry: But DADDY!
Daddy: OK...what?
Harry: I know what happened to the spider when I killed it.
Daddy: After you tell me you’ll go back to bed, right?
Harry: Yes.
Daddy: What happened?
Harry: It went to heaven.
Daddy: Fine...
Harry: So, do you know where heaven is then?

Daddy, groggy with sleep yet clearly becoming a little intrigued, opens a single bleary eye to examine his short male offspring.

Daddy: No.....tell me where it is.
Harry: It’s up in the sky.
Daddy: OK...... and what happens when you go there?
Harry: There’s a big green sea monster made of clouds. But he’s a nice sea monster not a nasty one.
Daddy: Really, and what does he do?
Harry: He looks after you and cleans all the blood off you until you are all better. And then you come back down from the clouds and you’re not dead anymore and all the blood’s come off.
Daddy: And how long does this take?
Harry: (pauses).....About six weeks.

Daddy: ...
Harry: So the spider’s all better now, with no more blood on him.

Daddy, who is clearly and completely lost for words, simply stares through one eye at the boy.

Harry: OK Daddy?
Daddy: er...OK.
Harry: Good.
Daddy: Harry?
Harry: Yes?
Daddy: Back to bed.
Harry: OK Daddy.

Harry turns and leaves the room, with one of the universe’s greatest mysteries firmly solved at the age of 4 and three quarters.

Fade to black.

Dictionary of a Commuter

ST JOHN'S WOOD (v)
Unexpectedly aroused en route to work, a possible cause of which is the continuous and vibrating movement of the Northern Line. On a particularly packed train The St John's Wood usually preceeds a Woodside Park.

WOODSIDE PARK (v)
A gentlemen's adjustment, usually following a St Johns Wood.

Dictionary of a Commuter

UPMINSTER (v)
Parental one-up-man-ship. The Upminster can be regularly be witnessed in Dulwich Park, between two fathers discussing the latest"optional extras" that came with their buggies. Typically one father will highlight that his pram came with Blue-Tooth and iPod connection. However he should always be cautious, as his colleague is highly like to counter with a return Upminster, informing him that his buggie has Twitter.

Dawn Chorus 3 - The Highly Improbable, Probably

Act One
Scene 3

Darkness has long since settled outside a delightfully well proportioned suburban semi on one of the quieter streets of SE22. It's 3.47am on Thursday. From underneath the continental duvet two totally knackered parents lay blissfully unconscious, completely unaware of the brewing disturbance in the next room.

The sound of a small human male padding about can gradually be heard, clearly in some distress.

Harrry: Daddy?...............Daddy?.................Daddy?
Daddy: (groans from underneath the continental duvet) Love, do you want me to go?
Mummy: mmmmmm.....?
Daddy: Shall I go?
Mummy: mmmmmm.....
Daddy: I'll go.
Mummy: zzzzzzzzzzz.....

Daddy heaves himself out of the kingsize and pulling on the M&S luxury towelling dressing gown, meets Harry in the hallway. Harry, bleary eyed, is holding doggy.

Daddy: What's up dude?
Harry: Daddy, Megatron is on my bed.
Daddy: What?
Harry: Megatron is on my bed, can you make Optimus Prime go on my bed?
Daddy: What on earth are you talking about?
Harry: Can you make Optimus Prime go on my bed, I don't like Megatron.
Daddy: (Finally waking up enough to know what's going on) Ahh, I see.
Harry: Can you do it Daddy, please.
Daddy: No problem.

Daddy picks up the double sided Transformers duvet and flips it over from the Megatron side to the Optimus Prime side. Harry hops into bed.

Harry: Thank you Daddy
Daddy: Everything OK now?
Harry: Yes Daddy.

Daddy stumbles back to bed, slipping straight back into his dream about turning up late and completely unprepared for his Chemistry O' level, wearing nothing but his underpants.

He wakes up 4 hours later still wearing the M&S luxury towelling dressing gown.

The sound of an Airbus 330 can be heard rumbling overhead, clearly on it's way to somewhere less complicated.

Fade to black.

Dictionary of a Commuter

ARCHWAY (n)
A portal leading into a dark and lifeless dimension, where time and space have an entirely different meaning. Indeed, the very nature of existence and the laws of the universe therein bear little or no relation to life as we know it.

The Northern Line passes through an Archway shortly before arriving at Borough station.